Processing

I've been kind of numb today.  I think I've been, "feeling" so much that it wore me out.

James just called and I got to talk to Chloe and hear Michael get a bath and we talked about sewing and made a date.

I thought about Becca a lot today.  I'm leaving her alone because I know how hard this is and she has to deal with things in her own way.  Obviously, not the same way I am, but in her own way.

I've got to remember that everyone processes grief differently.  I vary a lot.  I scream until I can't scream any more.

I don't like being by myself.  Family should be together.  I've been alone most of my life and I don't like it.

Across the Universe

I woke up screaming his name.  In the dream we were looking for our daughter Virginia and we had found her, then I couldn't find him.  It's like he was in a line and was 8 places ahead of me. 

The Virginia that I found was three and such a happy child.  She wrote songs about love.

When Virginia was three she was a happy child.  I remember the day she said "slip and slide" and the day she came home from school and said there were two states named after her.   She's always had the best sense of humor and the one that I enjoyed the most. 

I've got to get over it.  I've got to give her up, but I have a lot of stuff to process and she's a big part of it. 

Today, I watched Mark breathe for a long time.  I talked to him and he said "help me" and he said "momma"

I told him that it was time to go, but he's got the strongest heart known to mankind. 

I need to sleep, but I keep waiting for my phone to ring to tell me he is gone.