Let me tell you about Mike

Mike is my dog.  He was Mark's dog before, but now he's mine.  

He's a PiniPoo.  Mom was a pedigreed MinPin and Dad was a poodle.  Someone tried to create a "boutique" breed without knowing what they were doing and the owner surrendered the mom and six puppies when they were a month old.  The puppies all looked like Tramp from Lady and the Tramp which is actually what PiniPoos are supposed to look like.  

Mike was due to be euthanized on Monday.  He was the last of the puppies.  We had lost three dogs in the previous year (I think my neighbor poisoned them) and I mentioned on Facebook that I was looking for a puppy with the right face.  

One of my friends posted Mike's picture on Sunday and asked if that was the right face.  It definitely was.  I told Mark that we needed to go to Plano to pick up a puppy.    He told me I was out of my mind and he gave me major funk and then got in the car with me.  We walked into the PetSmart and everyone said "Are you here to see Mike?"  I said "minpin mom and handsome stranger dad?" and they all smiled and said "That's Mike."  

He was two months old and they brought him out to visit with us and he ran up to Mark and said "I love you."  We went home with a puppy.  

Mike has had issues.  He went blind from cataracts when he was three.  He's got poodle knees and is a nervous licker and scratcher.  He's still one of the best people I know.

I took him to the vet recently and they said it was obvious that he was very loved.  He's such a sweet boy.  

He was attacked by a pit bull today.  I take him with me outside so he can potty and smell the world.  We took the trash out and a boy was being pulled up the alley by a large pit bull and Mike is such a lover that he doesn't understand that there are mean people in the world.  He is very social and he smelled the other dog and ran over to say hi and the pit bull picked him up by the head and shook him like a rabbit.  He's got teeth marks around his head.  I can't believe that this dog didn't break his neck.  

I have a neighbor who raises pit bulls and they are certainly scary because they are very protective of the children.  They are sweet dogs though and they know Mike and play with him.  I talked to my neighbor and he said that the dog that attacked Mike was a trained fighter who used little dogs for "bait" dogs and they are trained to do what that dog did to Mike today.  

The boy that was walking the pit was about fifteen and I doubt there were thirty pounds difference between them and he seemed scared of the dog too and was having a horrible time reigning it in.  He was headed for the park.  I wonder how that worked out. 

Mike is upset, I don't blame him. I'd be upset too if someone abused me like that and left bloody marks all over my head.  We're going to the vet tomorrow to get checked out.  

Gallimaufry

I spent a good part of my afternoon "taking care of business."

It's so odd.  I am now the sole support for my home and I hope that I can pull it off. 

Okay, all the laundry is mine.  I have to own it.  All of the dishes are mine which is not really a big deal because I'm OCD about rinsing dishes off.

I am moving things out of my room so that I can have a different view.

I've taken out eight bags of trash and still have so much to do.

Whoever said "Life's a bitch and then you die" didn't have to clean up after a deceased hoarder. 

Processing

I've been kind of numb today.  I think I've been, "feeling" so much that it wore me out.

James just called and I got to talk to Chloe and hear Michael get a bath and we talked about sewing and made a date.

I thought about Becca a lot today.  I'm leaving her alone because I know how hard this is and she has to deal with things in her own way.  Obviously, not the same way I am, but in her own way.

I've got to remember that everyone processes grief differently.  I vary a lot.  I scream until I can't scream any more.

I don't like being by myself.  Family should be together.  I've been alone most of my life and I don't like it.

Across the Universe

I woke up screaming his name.  In the dream we were looking for our daughter Virginia and we had found her, then I couldn't find him.  It's like he was in a line and was 8 places ahead of me. 

The Virginia that I found was three and such a happy child.  She wrote songs about love.

When Virginia was three she was a happy child.  I remember the day she said "slip and slide" and the day she came home from school and said there were two states named after her.   She's always had the best sense of humor and the one that I enjoyed the most. 

I've got to get over it.  I've got to give her up, but I have a lot of stuff to process and she's a big part of it. 

Today, I watched Mark breathe for a long time.  I talked to him and he said "help me" and he said "momma"

I told him that it was time to go, but he's got the strongest heart known to mankind. 

I need to sleep, but I keep waiting for my phone to ring to tell me he is gone. 

Sitting Vigil

I had to look it up.  What is it when you gather around a loved one who is leaving you soon?

You sit vigil. You wait and you watch.  I look and I do not see my life mate.  He's overnight in the hospital and I hope I can bring him home tomorrow. 

Sleep?  They told me to go home and sleep.  Are you kidding me? 

Yeah, well, the alarm is set so that I can be there the minute they will let me in tomorrow.

I just talked to a chaplain who was a very sweet man.  I just can't keep from crying.

Hospice Transport

A lot of tear drops.  I hate that he hurts and cries to me to help him when I cannot

But they took him away today.  He's at the hospital.  I look to my right and he's not there.  Even though he called all night long for help, I could not help him.

Now he's not mine to take care of and I am alone. 

Good Coffee, Bad Coffee and the Cancer Center

To my daughter,

I spent my 40th birthday in the ER at Baylor when they told me he was going to die.  I spent my 25th anniversary doing the same thing, he had a 106 temp and I whispered in his ear "Doc says you're gonna die.  You gonna make a merry widow out of me?" and then there was that time in San Antonio with the 106 temp and they were amazed that he survived.  In 1994 they said he had two years left.  I was 35 with four small children.  Talk about stressed out, especially with the extended family that was local who thought it was fun to put others down.

I am watching him every day now and I don't have sisters to talk to like you.  I have been dreaming of how the cancer ate my father.   I remember the last time the medics came and took him away.  I ran around and generally stayed out of the way as they brought the heavy leather padded stretcher in and made sure he was comfortable.  He had striped pajamas and looked like a refugee from Buchenwald.

Rush Limbaugh ate my other father before the cancer took him.

Buddha

Mark has begun hospice.  It's sofa king surreal for this to be going on during the Coronavirus on Cinco de Mayo.

He's been the image of the Buddha much of the day. 

He just said he didn't want to hurt me and the next thing from his lips was "Help me."

Why do I work so hard to be so poor?

A retired teacher went viral.  This almost retired art teacher can certainly agree. I saw a child today (freshman?) with the most expensive new iPhone and wearing $200 shoes and he's not passing any classes. I'd bet money that the home phone is no good (Are the odds really 50/50 or in my favor?) I have had high school students say "YOU may NOT command me" and put their hand in my face when what I said was to pick up a pencil and make marks on the paper. I can do four function math in my head faster than my kids can pull out their calculator. 


The children don't play outside anymore. They worship the false idol of their tiny screen. There is such an unearned overabundance of specialness going on that I want to be sick. Yet some of these children have stories that would just make your heart break because of the generational poverty and ignorance. People who can't raise kids shouldn't have them.